“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
Laurell K Hamilton
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States, which they say equals to 10 million men and women each year. You can actually ask women that you come across and this I can almost guarantee, One out of every Four you ask have experienced severe physical violence in a domestic relationship.
As a caseworker I get to see the effects of trauma daily. I guess my point in writing this article is to partially vent about a problem that I see daily, but also to help someone recognize that sometimes instead of asking what’s wrong with this person we should ask, What happened to this person?
I started with some known stats on domestic violence because it is one of the most known causes of trauma that people, men and women go through, but it’s not the only one. In fact, 1 in 6 adults have experienced four or more types of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) 5 out of the top 10 leading causes of death are associated with ACEs.
What is an adverse childhood experience? Well basically it’s a big phrase for saying a person has went through something that was traumatic for them. It could be Dad divorced Mom when you was 14, or it could be Dad comes home drunk often and beats Mom and everyone in the house. Sometimes these traumatic experiences get so bad ,because they come from people we know and love. These events leave scars that run deeper than any eye can see. I have spoken to rape survivors that have lived their lives for years with the sadness, having to constantly face her rapist because he is a family member and the whole event was pushed under the rug in order to keep the families name in good standing. This is the pattern we need to stop.
Generational curses believe it or not are real, and I’ve seen time after time how it affects families year after year. Men grow up watching their mothers get beat often grow up to beat their wives and his daughters will often choose men who will beat them. This is the cycle of generational abuse. We grow up being desensitized to the trauma and the violence that it becomes our way of life.
In African American culture it is well known that we speak our own language, we have our own fashion, and we definitely have problems on a systematic level that need to be addressed. I am thankful for organizations like Partial to Girls which help empower woman and show them that there’s a better way for them. It’s going to take a lot more of us to stand up and start speaking our stories out loud. That way people who hear them will have the courage to do the first thing they need to do to survive which is to speak up and tell someone.
I once heard an educated middle aged white woman speak up to a crowd and say look at me, I’m smart, beautiful, and I am also a victim of domestic violence. She said that it happens to millions of women all over the world. She said in front of everyone in the conference that the way she got away was to tell people. She told the neighbors, she told the police, she told he family, and she told strangers. See what she knew was that the situation she was in was very dangerous and she would need to do it the right way to make sure she was not hurt. In England the U.N. did a study and they said out of 87,000 people killed worldwide in 2017, 58% of them victims died of domestic or family violence.
This is something that we can change. Men we have to understand the impact of the actions we are committing. Every time you put your hands on the mother of your children, what does that say to your children? How does that make your son feel about you? Would you want someone to treat your daughter that way? Chances are someone will, that is the sad reality we are facing if we don’t do something now to break the curse. Women and men alike have to teach their son’s and daughter’s that putting their hands on people is not the way to get over our anger. This right here is one of the strongest reasons why I do not believe in spanking and yelling at your children like they the enemies. I’ve seen people traumatically abuse their own children calling them names that you wouldn’t believe a person would say to a child. What we need is to start teaching our young men and women accountability. Also we can teach them the signs that will warn them early that they are facing a domestic abuser. The sad part is that some men don’t even realize that they themselves are abusive so women have to understand and recognize the signs.
Taken directly from the https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
What Are the “Warning Signs” of an Abuser?
Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:
- Extreme jealousy
- Possessiveness
- Unpredictability
- A bad temper
- Cruelty to animals
- Verbal abuse
- Extremely controlling behavior
- Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
- Forced sex or disregard of their partner’s unwillingness to have sex
- Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
- Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
- Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s ability to work or attend school
- Controls all the finances
- Abuse of other family members, children or pets
- Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
- Control of what the victim wears and how they act
- Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
- Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
- Harassment of the victim at work
For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now.
Community Soldier 